I am a single mother who has been overweight for a significant portion of my life. I wish the extra weight was only about my food choices – how sweet to think that counting calories and reducing portions is all I have to deal with. But that would be so far from the truth!
The truth is that my compulsive eating has become my way of coping with life. It is also my way of hiding – becoming invisible. “Strange but true” – the bigger I get, the less I am actually seen. I am Hidden Away – hidden behind the fat, hidden safely and protected from the dangers of living fully in this life.
But it doesn’t really work. My life doesn’t work when I am 100 pounds overweight. My life is a shadow of a real life. My love life is non existent. I sit by myself at home – too fat to live a full life, yet protected from the heart break that can come from a full life.
I was thin two times in the past. I found great loves. I was the happiest ever in my life. Then something went wrong and those great loves crumbled. I was then more miserable than ever in my life. So, I associate “thin” with the greatest happiness but also the greatest misery I have ever experienced. Fat removes the great happiness, but it also protects from the great misery.
I need to deal with that contradiction. I need to explore the recesses of my mind to find out why I have avoided a real life – a life based on experiences, not just food.
I am committed to losing 100 pounds. I will explore this foreign land of getting thin and staying thin by writing my blog posts. I hope my readers become my friends and help me in this journey to an unknown land. I am hoping my readers cheer me along and share their own stories.
As I remove excess food from my life, I expect to have many surprises – feelings uncovered, fears coming to the surface, and – maybe – a bit of joy.
My true self has been “hidden away”. It is unknown even to me. I will share my experience, strengths, fears, joys, hurdles and finally successes.
This is my Countdown!
Hi there, I read your post and it reminds me of me so much, I’m coping with binge eating. “Fat removes the great happiness, but it also protects from the great misery” – So true, we (or I) use it to protect ourselves from any emotion we might not like. I’m secretly afraid of losing weight…because it means I will begin to rely on myself first, something I need to work on! Cheers on your post, and I’ll be reading! ^-^ Daisy xx
By: Daisy on November 14, 2007
at 9:24 pm
Thanks for reading the blog and posting, Daisy. This weight is a mystery and I am trying to find my way through it. I wish us both success.
By: dancingdolphin on November 15, 2007
at 11:46 pm
Hi Dancingdolphin,
I just stumbled on your blog and can soooo relate! I also just started a blog, with the goal of losing 50 pounds in the next year. I, too, have been slim in the past and I, too, binge when I’m experiencing overwhelming emotions. Everything you write about sounds so familiar.
I think you’re wise to do this now as you’ve just been diagnosed (my mother died from complications of diabetes, and you definitely don’t want to stay there–and neither do I, which is why I’m determined to lose the weight as well.
I am confident this can be done (by both of us!) and look forward to reading about your journey and offering support if I can.
All the best. You go, girl!
By: Ric on November 22, 2007
at 4:44 pm
I’d be interested in viewing your blog. Would you like me to post a link to your blog on my blog – you could do the same with mine. I think we can do that on wordpress – I am new to wordpress so I can’t be sure. May I ask how you found my blog?
By: dancingdolphin on November 23, 2007
at 12:43 am
Hi Again–(and Happy Thanksgiving, by the way! I’m Canadian, so this is just a regular work day for me).
I think you can get to my blog by clicking on my name (Ric) in this message, but if not, it’s http://dietdessertndogs.wordpress.com. My email is newyou@rogers.com–I’d be happy to continue the discussion via email!
By: Ric on November 23, 2007
at 1:10 am
I was just wanting to read some one elses take on losing a 100 lbs. my son who is 31 is starting w.w. tomarrow and wants me to join too. I so dread the thought, just the thought of watching everything i eat and being responsible. now i eat , and eat, and eat. I am at 265 and 5′6″. i am a chunker.
But one thing i know , i am cheating myself out of living too. Oh what fun i could have, and how much better i would feel. I take 7 pills a day now for blood pres., depression, swelling, and arthritis, and an ocasional sleeping pill when i can’t sleep.
the meds make me feel older than anything. i hate them.
i wish you the best of luck and much success, and i hope i get in a better mind state about my weight and health.
i have two sons, and 2 gran children, they are 5, a girl , diagnoised with a brain tumor at 4, and a granson, born deaf. brother and sister . he, the boy, will be 2 , jan 13, he is just now sitting alone and eatting table food. so i know they need me, so help me pray i will get motovated.
again, wishing you the best.
By: BIG 50 on November 29, 2007
at 12:34 am
I’ve just read the bulk of your blogs, and they are inspirational. I’m 18 years old, and I suffer from binge eating, although I am not over weight per se, my eating behaviour is very frightening. I’ve been aware of my disorder since I was around 13-14…but it has escalated at an alarming rate. Its so funny, since I am (I think) in a similar situation….although the effects of my binge episodes, are quite histrionic, (and bloody embarassing) – I need to confront the feelings I run from. Getting through the day without over eating is almost identicle to some kind of drug withdrawal. I grow anxious, very depressed ..its insane. Anyway, I want to write a book about it, and try and provide some kinda insight for others. Please keep blogging!!! You’ll get there.
One last thing, I read this psychological body of research, which Identified a particular type of person, called the ‘HSP’ (highly sensitive person). It basically describes those who are far more emotionally aware, than others – I believe this trait to be inter-linked with eating disorders. Maybe it might apply to you? It certainly applies to me.
Thanks for listening, and good luck!!
By: Sian on January 4, 2008
at 12:05 pm